How do you get kids to listen? I invited Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist who specializes in anxiety, resilience, and parenting, to share practical strategies for getting children to cooperate without yelling.
I catch myself asking my husband all the time, “Why won’t they listen?!” It’s a familiar, frustrating feeling for many parents. Dr. Becky Kennedy offers eight effective ways to get kids to listen without raising your voice. Dr. Becky trained at Duke University and Columbia University, maintains a private practice in midtown Manhattan, leads parenting groups and workshops, lectures on mental health topics, and consults for organizations. Follow her on Instagram @drbeckyathome.
How to Get Kids to Listen with Dr. Becky
“My child doesn’t listen! I ask, she ignores, I yell, she screams, and then things just get worse from there. Please help!”
“My kid doesn’t listen” is one of the most common concerns parents bring to therapy. Before jumping to solutions, it helps to reframe the problem. No parent ever says a child isn’t listening when the request is appealing, like “Ice cream sundaes are on the kitchen table!” or “You can watch another show.”
What parents usually mean by “not listening” is this: the child won’t cooperate when asked to do something they don’t want to do.
Think about how adults respond when asked to do something they don’t want to do: it depends on how connected they feel to the requester in that moment. If you feel close, you’re more likely to say yes. If you feel distant or unappreciated, you’re more likely to resist. The same dynamic applies to children.
The core idea is simple: the stronger the connection between parent and child, the more likely the child will cooperate. Use these in-the-moment strategies to increase cooperation, but remember long-term change requires attention to the relationship, not just a checklist of techniques.
8 Strategies to Get Kids to Listen
These strategies focus on creating moments of connection, which in turn improve cooperation and listening.
1. Connect to your child in the moment before you ask something from her.
Children often tune out requests when you’re asking them to stop something fun to do something less enjoyable. Before making a request, acknowledge what they’re doing so they feel seen and can more easily transition.
Examples:
- “Wow, you’ve been working so hard on that tower. I know it’s tricky to pause for a bath. If we do a quick bath now, you’ll still have time to build before bed.”
- “I know it’s hard to end play dates when you’re having fun. We have to leave now, but Kate’s mom and I can plan your next playdate soon.”
2. Humor.
Humor can shift perspective and reduce tension. When kids laugh with you, they feel more connected and are more likely to cooperate.
Examples:
- “Oh no, your listening ears are lost! Wait—I found them in the plant. How did they get there? Let’s put them back on before they sprout into a flower!”
- “Being a kid is tough—my mommy always asks me to do things I don’t want to do. If only she knew how hard it is!”
3. Focus on your soft, calm tone first—and your words second.
Children register tone and body language before they process words. A harsh tone triggers anxiety and shuts down listening; a slow, calm tone helps them feel safe enough to respond.
Reminders:
- Take a deep breath before speaking.
- Use a “slow, soft, steady” delivery.
4. Empower your child with choices.
Giving children agency increases cooperation. Offer limited, manageable choices and express confidence that they’ll follow through.
Examples:
- “We can leave Abby’s house now, or you can play one more card game. Which do you choose? After one more game? Okay—I trust you’ll follow through.”
- “You can clear your dishes now or after your shower. Which works for you? After your shower? Sounds good—I trust you.”
5. Let some of it go.
Decide which battles matter and which you can let slide. Insisting on every small request can harm the relationship and reduce long-term cooperation.
Examples:
- Occasionally clear your child’s dishes if it keeps the peace.
- Hang up your child’s towel for them when needed.
- If your child forgets to say thank you at a friend’s house, model gratitude yourself and let it go instead of lecturing later.
6. Reverse roles.
Play a short role-reversal game where the child is the adult and you are the kid. This lets them experience the power of asking and helps you show empathy for how hard it can feel to be told what to do.
While playing, exaggerate the difficulty of listening: “Ugh, really? I have to clean up the magnatiles? I don’t waaaaant to!” This builds connection and perspective.
7. Search for moments your child is listening and give positive feedback.
When tensions run high, intentionally look for small wins and reinforce them. Positive cycles build more listening than criticism does.
Examples:
- “Thanks for listening right away—I noticed I only had to ask once.”
- “You came to the table when I asked. I appreciate that cooperation.” Add a hug to reinforce the moment.
8. Reflect on what your child needs long-term to strengthen your relationship.
“Not listening” is often a sign that the parent-child connection needs attention, not that a child is simply defiant. Ask yourself what small change might close that gap: a few minutes of one-on-one time, less judgment in conversations, or checking in about school stress. These small adjustments can rebuild connection and improve cooperation over time.
Thank you, Dr. Becky!
Tip #4 about offering choices is especially useful at mealtimes. When children can choose between acceptable options, they feel more in control and are more likely to cooperate. For toddlers, offering choices like which plate to use or “peanut butter or almond butter?” makes mealtimes smoother.
I offer a free download with Breakfast Choice Cards to help toddlers feel in control of their morning meal by giving 2–3 vetted options they can choose from.